Monday, November 10, 2008

Tough Weekend...

Yesterday I was a complete and total mess. We’ve told close friends and family just in case I have to go back into the hospital, so we can set up a support system. We decided not to tell Ricky & Breanna at first. But with this being all everybody can talk about we decided at 5:30 yesterday morning as we were walking around Wal-Mart that Rick & I should probably just tell them before they hear it from someone else.

When we got back from the store, we gave them their new gloves/hats/scarves and we were just sitting around talking. I asked Rick if he wanted to talk to them about it now. He kind of shrugged and walked away. Then I said do you want to tell them or do you want me to do it. He said that he would just do it. (We had already told the two older kids). So anyways we told Breanna to pause their movie, and told them that we wanted to talk to them. Breanna said, “HUMPH” and flung herself back onto the air mattress. Rick teared up and had to walk away. So the ball was in my court at that point. I told them that mommy had a Doctor’s appointment on Thursday with my cancer doctor and my blood came back bad (they are only 6 & 8), so I’m going back in two weeks to have my blood drawn again, and if it’s still bad they are going to do a bone marrow biopsy to see if mommies Leukemia is back. If it is then I’ll have to go to the hospital for a month and Grandma & Grandpa are going to move in to Khrystyne’s room to stay here and help take care of you.

Well Ricky was seven shades of excited when I said that Grandpa would be moving in. Breanna on the other hand said, “I knew it was going to be bad news.” I told her that we’ve been through this before and we can do it again. Then we made breakfast, ate, and went for a walk. I kept running out of breath, and was completely light headed (I had a headache all weekend), and this morning I found some new pinhead bleeds. So unless a miracle happens, in the words of my Doctor this isn’t looking good.

After our walk yesterday Rick & I decided to take a nap, so we left the younger two downstairs with Khrystyne, and at 9:30 in the morning we went upstairs to take a nap. We had been awake since 3am so needless to say neither one of us can sleep for shit.

We were talking; because of course we couldn’t fall asleep. He would tear over, and then I would tear over. Then he kept looking at me like he was trying to take me in, and I just started crying. I couldn’t help it. I don’t like to cry in front of him, because he’s so sensitive, and after losing his mother to cancer, I know that he’s scared. But he handled the situation really well. He comforted me, and he let me know that I could cry in front of him any time that I needed to. We finally fell asleep, but no less than 30 minutes later I was once again wide awake. So I jumped into the shower, and stayed there for the better part of an hour. I just couldn’t turn off the water, it was so surreal. My fingers were all wrinkled like I had sat in the tub forever.

I guess more than anything, I’m just really scared. Of course I don’t want to die. I want to be here with my husband and my children. I don’t want some other woman raising my babies. Khrystyne is 18 now, and Courtney is 15 ½ so those two I’m not too worried about. Although I know losing me would be rough on them, but they are a couple of real tough cookies. I know that they will look after Ricky & Breanna for me. But you know as well as I do that it’s not the same. I want to see my children get married; I want to be around to hold my first grandbabies someday. These are the things that keep me going.

Rick said well at least this time going into it we already know the good news, and the bad news. The good news is at least we know what to expect. The bad news is we know what to expect. I couldn’t have said it better.

Then to top the weekend off, Courtney came home last night (she stayed at a friends all weekend) she sat on the couch next to me and said, I don’t like lying to you, so I’m just going to tell you. I said, “What?” She said me and Allison pierced our noses today. I sat up to take a look at her, and it looked like a pimple on the side of her nose, I said, “No you didn’t, that’s a pimple.” She said. “No really; we did.” So upon closer inspection, I realized that she most certainly did pierce her nose. They bought ear piercing studs and pushed it through their nostrils. She says to me, “Don’t worry, I looked it up online, and I sterilized everything.” Yeah right, how do you sterilize the inside of your nose?? I had her put the stud back in, until I could call our family doctor today. I told her if you have to get a tetanus shot, I don’t want no screaming and crying, no four people holding you down. You had better just sit there and take it. I swear one of these days POW right to the moon!!


toddlerplanet said...

Hey. Thinking of you, and watching for news. Best of luck to you on the blood work.

Irish Eyes said...

Um.. yeah on the piercings. My 18 y.o. pierced the inside of her ear.. up near the top. Herself. sigh.. Wel, I guess she's 19, today is her b-day.
Praying for you and your family..

Ronni Gordon said...

Just checking for an update. You really have lots of good news: It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and a supportive extended family. I have found that kids are very flexible with all of this cancer stuff, and it sounds like yours are too. As you said, if you have relapsed, you know the territory, and you also know that modern medicine is on your side. And hey, maybe you haven't relapsed at all. Sorry you're going through the agony of waiting. Hang in there.

BaldyLocks said...

It sounds like you are really going through a lot right now. I'm wishing for the best for you.

Kim said...

You are in my thoughts.