Tuesday, September 16, 2008

What do you worry about??

Do you worry if your kids are going to turn out alright, or if you have just royally screwed them up?

Do you worry about bills?

Do you worry that your life is going to pass you by, without having done everything that you always wanted to do?

Do you ever worry that your cancer is going to come back?

Well that has been my worry for the past few days, not that it already wasn’t in the back of my mind constantly or anything like that… on Sunday I found a petechiae and just about lost my mind. (I had these when I was diagnosed with Leukemia almost three years ago) I had decided not to tell my husband about it unless more of them appeared, but of all days for him to come in when I was still getting ready (and I had not completely pulled myself together.) So of course the questions started to fly, “What’s wrong?” Nothing. “I know you’re lying, what’s going on? Then I had to tell him, of course he broke down crying. I told him other that finding that spot, I still felt fine. It just really freaked me out for a minute. For the rest of the weekend he acted completely weird on me.

Then yesterday I came home from work early, I only had a headache, but he completely wigged out on me. “What’s wrong, what are you keeping from me?” But really, my head was just hurting and I needed to lie down, that was it.

Today I found another spot on my gums, so if I find anything else I’m going to call my doctors office and have some blood work done, if for nothing else than just a piece of mind. But if I’m being honest it really is starting to freak me out. I’m almost at my three year mark. I can’t even imagine starting over from square one again!! Although I’ve always known that only 20-30% of AML patients remain disease-free, still that would be a very tough pill to swallow.

I’m still trying to remain positive; even though I’m scared out of my mind.


Anonymous said...

Thinking of you.

I worry all the time now too. At a time I should be rejoicing and making the most of each day. But I worry. I hope you can set it aside for a little while, and enjoy the day.

Ronni Gordon said...

You know a few little spots don't necessarily mean anything bad, but as someone who's dealt with AML, I know what you mean about getting worried over every little thing. Just remember, if they do find something, they will know how to deal with it and you will too. In the meantime, all the books advise to try NOT to ask, what if? I write about different ways of coping -- and different ways of worrying -- on my leukemia blog, runnerwrites.blogspot.com
Good luck and think positive thoughts!

Susan C said...

I hope you'll get the blood work and set your mind (and mine) at ease.

Thinking positive thoughts for you too!