Thursday, June 12, 2008

Are you ever anxious?

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder; will I make it to five years without having a relapse? Will I even be alive 10 years from now? I know that these fears are normal for any cancer survivor, but sometimes they keep me up at night. How would my family handle it? Would Rick ever remarry? Would my kids HATE their new step-mother, or would they just forget about me? These are all questions that sometimes fill my mind, I wish that I wouldn’t have these thoughts but sometimes I just can’t help it.

Cancer is a scary situation; it puts a lot of the unknowns (that have always been there) and shoves them right in your face. You have to deal with it on a much deeper level than most people who are going through life acting like there will always be a tomorrow. When people who have had cancer or a heart disease or whatever the case may be, know when they wake up in the morning they have been truly blessed with another day that was never promised to them in the first place.

Every time we celebrate a birthday, or an anniversary on one hand I’m elated that I have made it to just one more, but on the other hand in the back of my mind I wonder will this be the last one I’ll ever get to see?

Don’t get me wrong as far as I know I’m still healthy; I saw my oncologist back in April, and am due to see him again in July. But with each bruise that lingers a little too long, or with each new ache and pain you always wonder; is it back? Do I have a different type of cancer? When I took Chemo for my Leukemia, they told me that what they were giving me was a very strong toxin that would most likely cause another form of cancer 5-10 years down the road (most likely breast cancer). So it feels as if I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. On one hand it “cured” my cancer, but what if it gives me something much worse in the future that I can’t beat? I don’t know, I guess I’m just trying to work these fears out, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure, I think I’m the youngest patient my hospitals sees for annual mammograms… I always get these looks from the other patients and sometimes even the nurses that I am in the WRONG section of the hospital.

I truly thank God that he has blessed me with an additional 2 ½ years that I honestly never thought that I would see. I just pray that my next 2 ½ years goes as well. And until that day when I hit my five year mark and my doctor proclaims me cancer free, I will wait patiently with much anticipation; hopefully able to put these fears to the back of my mind, and live life to the fullest. OH and HAVE A HUGE PARTY!!!! My family and I will deserve it after all that we have been through.


militia207 said...

i just ended my chemo for AML in April 2008 Anxious ???!!!! Oh you better believe it and i don't think i'm being a negative nelly about it. It will always be a part of me. i understand completely about the bruises, cuts, spots on the body, aches ect.... PS... have the party now !!!! What a better way to celebrate. Mine is September 27th its the Gargantuan Hooray For Life Celebration.....people who knew me knew that there was no way i was getting out of this temporary illness ( what i always said i had ) without a party in the end.

BaldyLocks said...

I can relate to your thoughts. I think our questions for the future are the one thing we can't escape from.

Susan Carrier said...

I had my PET and CT scans last week and will meet with my onc. tomorrow. MCL is famous for its high relapse rate, so I've been filled with anxiety for the last two weeks. I deal with the sword of Damocles anxiety by cramming 48 hours into 24.

I'm having a lazy, do-nothing day today and loving it.