Thursday, May 29, 2008

Suicide part 2…

Today was Uncle Charlie’s funeral. To say that there wasn’t a dry eye in the house would be putting it extremely mild. People were sobbing like babies. Charlie had a way of touching your heart, making you laugh, making you feel at home. Every time I saw Charlie he would come up to me hug, and kiss me, and ask, “How you doin’ baby?” If there was a stranger in the room Charlie would seek them out and talk to them, he always made every one feel welcome.

I’ll be honest; today I was very conflicted about the way I felt about him committing suicide. My father was a manic depressive, we found him sitting in the basement with a gun in his mouth crying like a baby more than once. He told my mother one time that if he didn’t fear going to hell for killing himself, he would have already done it. (My father eventually died in his sleep December 1989). We were raised in a very strict Baptist Church; we were always taught that if you committed suicide, you had committed a mortal sin for which there was no forgiveness. But within my heart that just did not make sense to me, because we were also taught that when you accepted Christ into your heart that he forgave you of ALL your sins, past, present, and future.

Rick had an associate at work that overheard his conversation about Charlie yesterday; and he asked Rick how could he even justify going to a funeral service for someone that had killed himself? Rick asked him if he had ever lost a cousin, father, brother, or mother to suicide? Of course he answered no. Rick told him then you wouldn’t know.

After the service today I googled suicide and the Bible; there were a lot of articles that I found helpful. I found a quote from that fits our very situation;

Suicide is a grievous sin that seriously hurts both the heart of God, and those who loved the deceased. The pain of losing a loved one who took their own life is not easily healed, and often isn't fully healed until Heaven. Whether you are contemplating suicide or know someone who killed themselves, God wants you to know there is hope and life for you. He is the great Healer and Restorer of what has been lost or stolen.

I fully believe that is so very true.

This morning when the showing first started some of the relatives started arguing and fighting, and they were going to call the police. When an unexpected person stood up and told everyone that this was not the place or the time (the main culprit was his own mother). It was Rick’s cousin Mark, who by all accounts has been in and out of trouble all of his life, but today he finally took a stand and did the right thing. I was really proud of him.

All of this fighting between the family started when Judy (Rick’s mother) died, this was the first time that they all were under the same roof in almost two years. Rick’s other cousin by marriage stood up to talk about Charlie during his service today, and towards the end of her speech she told them that they needed to come together and forgive one another. While I was researching what the Bible says about suicide I found some passages about depression (which can lead up to suicide) and it just fit our situation as well:

Depression is often anger, and a host of other emotions that have turned inward and become frozen. If you are carrying anger, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, frustration, jealousy, despair, worthlessness, hopelessness, fearfulness, vengeance and/or self-pity in your heart, you can turn these things over to God and begin to receive your healing right now, in faith. If you don't know how to let them go, confess it to God and ask for His help in releasing it to Him. No one can overcome these things by themselves. We all need the power of God to set us free from sinful and hopeless ways of thinking. That is why the Bible tells us that we must be "transformed, by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2)." The Holy Spirit is the only One who can help us break free and be healed of these deadly emotions.

So if you have family out there that you have not spoken to in awhile, you may not even remember what you were arguing about in the first place. Please consider how you would feel if you lost that person unexpectedly, and you did not work things out between one another, and forgive each other. When it would just take a simple “I’m sorry” or a phone call just to see how they have been. It would release you from that inner struggle, even if they didn’t return the gesture.

My husband was so angry the night we found out about Charlie, because we all saw where Charlie was headed with the drugs and the alcohol abuse. Rick was really beating himself up over the fact that he never said anything to Charlie that everybody just accepted it as “that’s just the way it is.” He says that he really wishes that he would have said something to him about what he was doing and who he was hurting while doing what he did. If you have a family member who is struggling with an addiction please say something to them, before you run out of time. Don’t live with the “What if’s”.

Rest in Peace Uncle Charlie, we are going to really miss you.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Happy Birthday Baby…

Today is my son’s birthday; he is officially six years old. Last night when I was tucking him in he asked, “Tomorrow can I pick out my own clothes? I’ll be six you know!” So this morning when I woke him up I asked him if he would like to pick out his own clothes, and he jumped up and said “Oh yeah, I’m six now. I can do it.” Now what good am I, I can’t even lay his clothes out for him anymore!! It sucks having your babies grow up in the blink of an eye. My oldest child will be eighteen years old in October. I just wonder when it was that I got so old…

Because of my cancer it will never be possible for me to have any more children, I think deep down I kind of mourn that. I love my kids, and I would love to have more. Rick keeps telling me to wait; I’ll be a grandmother before I know it. Which I know that will happen soon enough. (At least 5-10 more years KHRYSTYNE & COURTNEY do I make myself clear?) Still deep down I don’t want to be an empty nester someday, I know some (most) people look forward to the day when their children are all grown up and moved away. But me personally I dread that day, our house is always so lively, so loud. I think that the silence would be deafening. But I wouldn’t hold my children back from making their own way, and hopefully finding great happiness.

I was talking with my sister this morning, and she said that there are two girls out there claiming that they are pregnant by her sixteen year old son… She doesn’t believe that he is the father, hopefully paternity tests will prove otherwise, but if not my sister is going to be a GRANDMA!!!! Oh crap, that means I’ll be a great aunt… Oh well she will be a grandmother first, Ha! Ha!

Happy birthday son, don’t grow up too fast.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008


We received the dreaded call yesterday right before noon. Uncle Charlie (my husband’s uncle) had committed suicide. His eighteen year old daughter had found him lying in his bed with family photos all around and a gun shot through the heart. Two years ago we received a familiar call, but at that time it was Ryan who had killed himself, Charlie’s second child. He was 22 years old; he had suffered from depression for years, as well as drug and alcohol abuse. Charlie really was never the same since Ryan’s death, and he battled his own demons of depression, drug and alcohol abuse as well.

In part I’m sure Charlie felt somewhat responsible for Ryan’s death, because Ryan pretty much did whatever Charlie was doing. Charlie’s wife Tina finally left him a few months back, she just couldn’t take it anymore (after 27 years). Watching him kill himself slowly, and she even said yesterday, this was not what she wanted. She still loved Charlie, and she never wished him any harm.

On our way to Charlie’s house we saw fire trucks and an ambulance in front of Granny’s house. So we stopped there first. The police Chaplin had just come by to give her the news of her youngest child’s death. She has heart problems, and her chest was hurting, and she couldn’t breath. They took her blood pressure and gave her some oxygen, but then they left. She may be 91 years old, but she is still a tough old lady. I stayed with Granny and one of her daughters, while Rick went on down to Charlie’s.

Family started coming in one by one; Uncle Paul flew in yesterday (his plane landed around 9pm). Granny is getting so frail that she is constantly cold, so her house was burning hot. I went out to the front porch to get some fresh air, and one by one Rick’s Aunts came out and talked to me about Charlie, they all just wanted to know why? Which in reality no one will ever have the answer to that question. I would hug them, and tell them that everything will be alright. That sister would go in, and then another sister would come out. Within two hours I was emotionally drained. It broke my heart to hear his grandmother cry.

Emma said that it wasn’t fair. That Judy (Rick’s mom who died of cancer two years ago) wanted to live so badly, and she fought so hard. And these guys are just killing themselves left and right, and that they don’t have that right, they should want to be here for their families.

When Ryan died his four year old daughter found his body. How traumatic do you think that is to a child?? Ryan’s wife is also a drug addict, so Charlie and Tina fought for custody of Ryan’s two children a four year old girl, and a two year old boy, and they won custody. Now what? They have to tell those babies that their papa is dead. When Tina left Charlie the kids wanted to stay with him, and they had already been through so much that Tina let them. The 18 year old daughter who found him is graduating high school this week; her open house was going to be this coming up Saturday at their house. Instead we will be burying her father. C.J is only 15 so he will have to go live with his mother, along with the two grandbabies.

Since Judy died two years ago, the family has been divided over what some of the aunt’s pulled with Rick & Shannon, so getting everyone together under one roof will be a first in two years. There is already talk of fighting etc… Which is really sad, because Charlie’s children, and grandchildren should be considered, and all of their bullshit pettiness should be put to the side at least until we bury Charlie.

We went home and had to tell our youngest two that Uncle Charlie had died; Ricky (who is five) just asked to go back outside to play. Breanna cried for awhile. But later while I was making dinner Ricky came back in the house and crawled up on his dad’s lap and asked, “Is Uncle Charlie really dead?” with tears in his eyes. He loved his Uncle Charlie. Which Charlie always had a way with children, they all loved him.

Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers, this is going to be a rough week.

Friday, May 23, 2008

What to do??

Ricky being silly

A thousand things have been going on all at once; it’s been hard for me to find a moment to myself, little lone find time to write. Both my husbands and my jobs seem to be up in the air. It looks as if we both may end up losing our jobs within one to two years. His company will be downsizing, and mine is outsourcing. So we have been trying to decide what we want to do. Rick has an opportunity to work at Stout Field (military) as a civilian working on Humvee’s, but the job is temporary until some of the reservists come home from Iraq next year. But its good money, and it will put a fire up his butt to lose weight and get into shape, because (wait for it…) he is going back into the Army next year. We have been out of the Army for ten years, but I think we both really miss it, and are ready to get on with it. When he goes back in he will have to go through 3 weeks of basic (a refresher really) and three weeks training, then we’ll get orders and get the hell out of Indiana…

I think that I’m going to re-try my hand at this stay at home mom thing. Plus I’ve decided to go back to school; I want to be a nurse when I grow up. I’m pretty sure that I want to be an oncology nurse. Who better to take care of a cancer patient, than someone who knows exactly what they are going through??

The kids are a little unsure of the whole thing; scared is probably a better word for it. Like I told Rick if God decides it’s your time to go it doesn’t matter if you are in Iraq, or crossing the street, it’s your time!! Rick is not scared, he’s just a little worried if something were to happen to him how it would affect the children. Which is 100% a normal thought, but the longer he has thought about it the more he just wants to do it.

The kids will be out of school next week, and Ricky will be a GREAT BIG 6 years old. I can’t believe he is that old. He was just 3 when I was diagnosed, and I thought he wouldn’t remember me if something were to happen. Well that is at least one answered prayer… (that was my main prayer actually, just let my children remember how much I loved them).

Speaking of prayer, please visit Kristy Dykes at Christian Love Stories she was diagnosed with the same kind of brain tumor that Sen. Ted Kennedy was just diagnosed with, back in November, and it doesn’t look as if she has much time left. But her story, and that of her family is so inspiring, please visit.

Have a good weekend.

Friday, May 16, 2008


Okay, just a quick run down from the past couple of weeks. I’m posting some pictures from the 500 Mini-Marathon (Gatorade station) that we worked, also a picture of me and the kids from our 1st 2k ever!! It was a lot of fun, Ricky & Breanna ran the whole thing, me & the girls just walked it.

My son had a program at school today, Stacy was off so I couldn’t get off of work to go. But my husband and mother went. My mom email this picture of Ricky to me, we didn’t even know that this was his Kindergarten graduation program!!! So I missed it. Ahh, the working life (HOW I HATE YOU!) More and more I just wish that I could be a SAHM.

Friday, May 02, 2008


Khrystyne and her dad Pre-Prom
Khrystyne and her BFF Joslin

I still have not heard back from my Doctor yet with the results of the MRI. Although the numbness seems to be spreading throughout my entire body; it’s not so numb that I can’t feel anything, but it feels like (say your foot is asleep and it’s just starting to wear off) well my whole body feels like that. The top of my head, bottom of my feet and everything in between; it feels like something has gone haywire in my body, or I have a short circuit. I don’t know that is the best way that I can describe it. It really sucks when you have a 45 min commute to and from work and BOTH of your hands keep falling asleep, and it feels as if you keep getting these little jolts of electricity throughout your entire body. I came thisclose to having my husband take me to the emergency room the other night.

My seventeen year old (Khrystyne) is once again requesting to drop out of high school. She currently has 17 credits and is a junior, she’ll need 41 to graduate next year which won’t happen and she does not want to put in the extra year of high school that it will take her to get everything done. She wants to take her GED and (get this) join the Military to get money for COLLEGE… If kids could just hear how STUPID they sound sometimes… I know that she has a really bad learning disability, and I feel sorry for her, but I don’t know if I could just let her drop out like that.

My FOURTEEN year old (Courtney) has a new boyfriend, he’s seventeen years old. She is not allowed to date until she is sixteen, she only see’s him at school. But I know what is coming… She’s going to want to start going out with this kid, and she’ll have yet one more reason to HATE ME!!! I’ve been told this no less that 20 times this past year. Eh… Ask me if I care… My job right now is to mother her not be her BFF!

Ricky scored his first goal during last Saturday’s soccer game. His skill level is really coming along this year; he can control the ball better than anyone on his team. But then again they are only five…

Breanna brought home paper work for a 2k fun run for her school, so next Saturday all of the kids and me will be participating in a FUN RUN… Then we’ll have to RUN to Ricky’s soccer game. Ahh… Summer was I just begging for you to begin???

Courtney, Jordan (a friend at works little girl) and myself are volunteering for the LLS tomorrow setting up Gatorade stands for the Indianapolis 500 Mini Marathon. I did this last year and I had a lot of fun doing it. Jordan’s mom Stacy is participating in the Mini this year, and so is Tony (my boss).

Hope you have a great weekend.