Monday, October 29, 2007

Goodbye to a Dear Friend…

I have been visiting Diehl Martin over that The Cancer Blog for the past year and a half. He had pancreatic cancer, and has passed away this weekend. He kept a wonderful outlook the whole time all the way to the end, and I will truly miss him.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited…

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendships
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

-Author unknown-

Friday, October 26, 2007

Can breast cancer hit a 17yr old?

I’m truly sick to my stomach right now. I even caught myself asking the all important self pity “Why me” question.

I took Khrystyne to the hospital yesterday for her ultra sound of her right breast. The doctor was pretty confident last week that the lump in her breast was just a cyst. She went back for the ultra sound they had her back in the room for awhile when the technician came out and said, “You need to come back here!” I felt a sinking sensation in my stomach; she just had a sense of urgency to her voice. Usually when you have any x-rays, ultra sounds whatever they will not tell you the results, they always say, “We’ll have the radiologist take a look at these and they will contact your doctor with the results.” But of course not this time… As we walked through the first set of double doors a doctor was waiting for me in the hallway, he introduced himself and shook my hand. Then he said, “Well it’s not a cyst, she definitely has a tumor, and it’s a very dense mass.” Then they lead me to the room where Khrystyne was where they proceeded to tell us what steps are next. He said that they can do a biopsy, but he stated that if the tumor turns out to be benign than that procedure could disfigure her. So he would rather do a needle biopsy first. They kept saying that it would most likely be benign, but if the first one comes back positive (or malignant) then they would have to perform the regular biopsy.

The doctor and the technician both had an extremely worried look on their faces. They kept exchanging a weird look, and he kept asking Khrys how long has she noticed that lump and if it has always been that hard. I’ll be honest I walked away with a very unsettled feeling. They kept exchanging glances, and you could tell that they were uneasy, and that they wanted to say something else but that they couldn’t.

I asked the technician when I should hear from my doctor to set up the biopsy. At first she said that they should call me the first of next week. Then she said, “No, you know what? The doctor is dictating his notes right now, and your doctor’s office should have the results of this test THIS AFTERNOON! You should call his office first thing in the morning, to get this procedure scheduled As Soon As Possible…

They sounded panicked to me, Maybe I’m reading more into this than I should, but I’ve been down this road before (the glances between doctors, the feelings that they are not fully sharing all of the information that they have) and I really don’t think that I am reading more than what is there. Beside the fact we are talking about my 17 year old daughter. So a little panic is in order I think.

After the kids went to bed last night I started freaking the fuck out… excuse my French. What if!!! What if my 17 year old daughter has BREAST CANCER?? I’ve already decided that if her 1st biopsy comes back positive than I am going to take her to IU Medical for a second opinion. I had my treatment at that hospital and I trust the doctors there, they deal with cancer on a daily basis.

Now I find myself thinking ahead to her future, if it turns out that she does have breast cancer… with surgery, chemo, and radiation she most likely will not be able to have children. So today I need to look into what it will take to have her eggs frozen so that she will have the option to have children someday. Two weeks ago who would have thought that I would even have to be thinking this way… I’m not going to get ahead of myself mind you but if it does come back positive I want to have all of my ducks in a row so that they won’t have to waste time waiting on me to research these things, so that they can start her treatment.

I’ve not been able to eat all day, yet I feel like I am about to throw up (correction too late)… I’m sure that’s normal.

She is scared… I can tell, but she worries about me so she tries to put up a brave front, probably the same thing that I do for her. We’ll have to sit down later and talk about this, because I don’t want her to think that she has to go through this alone.

Last night when Rick came home, he visibly looked shook up. You could tell that it had been weighing on his mind all day. Right before he came home last night I thought OMG should I try to find out where Khrystyne’s biological father is, should we tell him? He hasn’t laid eyes on her since she was three years old in 1993. I didn’t want to say anything to Rick. But last night almost as soon as he came home he brought the subject up. So I guess I’m going to have to look someone up. I have no idea where to start, he has lived in New York, Oklahoma, Nevada, Missouri, the list goes on and on… what some men will do to get out of paying child support…

We were both upset last night I don’t even think sleep was on either one of our minds, just pure sick worry. The last time I looked at the clock it was after 3am. Then of course my alarm went off at 5 this morning. I woke the girls up for school, and laid back down for a minute, it just took a couple of seconds for the worry to settle back in.

So I lay there in bed and of course I had to have the prayer, “Lord please let her be alright, and if she does have cancer let her come through the treatments ok. I know that there is a lesson in here somewhere for us. Please just don’t take my child.”

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Tomorrow is the day...

Well tomorrow is the day, I’m taking the day off of work so that I make sure I’m not late getting Khrystyne to the hospital for her tests. When I give myself a minute to think about it, it makes me a little nervous although my head keeps telling me it’s most likely a cyst. The mother in me (and cancer survivor in me) is still a little worried. She has been a nervous wreck all week, dreading not the tests but the possible results. Anyways by the end of the week we should know something…

My husband started a second job on Monday, so we rarely get to see each other through the week, we’ll have to catch up this weekend. Medical bills suck, especially when they almost reach $100,000 dollars. It is what it is, I’m not going to dwell on it, and stress myself out over something that I cannot change.

The kid’s are behaving pretty well for me, usually when dad is not home they can get a little out of hand. But so far so good.

Me and Rick have decided to take a (much needed) vacation next spring. ALONE!! We are going to leave the kids with my mother and sister, and Khrys will probably stay at her friend’s house. But as for Rick and myself we will be on a beach in Naples, FL, and I can’t wait. This will be our first real vacation since April 2005 (B.C.) Before Cancer...

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Self Brest Exam's (Important at any age!)

Khrystyne at Prom this year

This has been a very interesting week. My 17 year old daughter and I watched Crazy Sexy Cancer last weekend. There was a segment with a woman who had breast cancer. It must have made Khrystyne think about what I had been preaching for several years, because the next day she preformed her first SBE and she actually found a lump!! It's 1 1/2 centimeters. I took her to the doctor's on Thursday and he is sending her for a Mammogram and an ultra-sound next Thursday... Can you believe that?

So keep my daughter in your prayers, our family has been touched by cancer far too many times in the past two years. Hopefully it will turn out to just be a cyst.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Rick with his cousin and her baby.
He doesn't look like he's pushing 300 lbs.

I volunteered on Saturday for Light the Night, my daughter and I inflated at least 750 balloons ourselves, the total goal was 4000… Anyways, I couldn’t take the two younger children with me (Rick was at work, and Khrys was at a party) so I took them to my sisters house, she lives right down the street from Victory Field where the event was going on.

When we went to pick them up from my sisters house. Holly said, "Do you remember when you were a kid and you would tell other kids," "My daddy can beat up your daddy!” I said, “Yeah” she said that she had went into the house to get some sting (her and the kids were making a scarecrow) she had a little girl at her house from down the block, and when she came back out she over heard the following conversation:

Desiree: This is full, pushing on the stomach of the scarecrow. It’s fat like my daddy!

Breanna: My daddy is fatter than your daddy!!!

Then yesterday Ricky and Breanna went to my mothers after school because they had a ½ day of school. Somehow they got into a conversation with my mother about weight, when Ricky informed her that his daddy almost weighs ZERO! Breanna was in agreement. My mother called me laughing hysterically telling me what they said. I guess it’s all about how you perceive it.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

What is wrong with me??

I’m having issues… BIG ONES!

The day before yesterday our washer broke (with a load of towels full of water), so last night I hurried home from work stopping by Little Caesars Pizza so that the kids could have dinner real quick while I got the laundry out to the van. The hydraulic arm on the back hatch went out so I couldn’t put the laundry in the back of the van, so I had to load all of the laundry inside. Immediately that put a limit on how many children I could take with me. So I left Khrystyne home to watch the two younger children who were crying and throwing a huge fit because they know there is a play room at this particular Laundromat, and they really wanted to come. Courtney and I left at 6:30 stopped by the bank and went straight there at 9:15 we were wrapping things up, and not a moment too soon because I was in some major pain. We stopped by the gas station and Wal-Mart (for cough drops) and went straight home by then it was 10:00. I told Rick and Khrystyne they had to help Courtney carry in all of the laundry because physically I couldn’t do anymore if I tried. I sat down in the recliner and at 2:00 this morning I woke up and looked over on the couch and Rick was asleep as well so I woke him up and we headed upstairs with sheets in hand and had to make our bed at 2am. I set the alarm and was asleep in a minute, but when that alarm went off at 5am to get the kids up for school I couldn’t even MOVE!! I had to wake Rick up so that he could get the two older girls up for school. It seriously felt like I had been hit by a truck, when Rick got back into bed he kissed me on top of my head and it actually hurt. What the hell is wrong with me?? It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get out of bed, when I can usually get right up. I’m at work now but my whole body hurts, I’m nauseated, and my head is pounding. This is NOT normal. I only did the laundry…

Today after our Thursday morning meeting here at work I was on my way back up to my desk and I realized that I forgot to send our commissions and payroll worksheets up to our Corporate office on Monday (this is Thursday) as soon as I realized it and started working on them, my Branch Manager approached me about it. I told him that I had forgotten??? I called our corporate accountant and let her know. My memory is getting sooo bad… when I took my chemo the nurses and doctor told me that I had chemo brain, but now 11/2 years after my last chemo treatment my short term memory SUCKS!!! My husband probably thinks that he is the luckiest man alive, because he can screw up and go to apologize again and I’ll be like, “What are you talking about, oh yeah I forgot about that.” So there is no throwing things up in his face during a fight because a year/month/week or even days later I totally forget all about it.

I’ll be working at Light The Night here in Indianapolis on Saturday, just as a volunteer (I’ll be the one passing out balloons) I waited too long to raise funds but at least I’m doing something to help out.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


Friday night I had a lot of running around to do it was my daughters 17th birthday, and she had plans to go to the movies with about 40 of her friends. So with a van load of teenagers and little Ricky, I dropped off six teenagers at the local movie theater, and me and Ricky headed off to get our hair cut.

We signed in upon arrival and took a seat. There was one other patron (a man) sitting across from us. It was the first minute that I had to myself all afternoon and I realized that Ricky hadn’t given me a kiss when I came home from work, which is usually an everyday thing.

So I said, “Hey, you haven’t given mommy a kiss yet, give me a kiss.”

He stiffened up like a board, looking straight ahead, and he whispers, Not now, I’ll give you a kiss later.”

At this moment I’m totally in shock. He is five years old and embarrassed to give his mother a kiss.

Me: Richard, give your mother a kiss.

Ricky: (whispers) I’ll give you a kiss later, and looks over at the man sitting across from us.

Me: You don’t love mommy anymore?

Ricky: (whispers) I do love you, but I’ll kiss you later.

So the man’s name is called and he goes in the back for his haircut, and I say, “Okay, he is gone now give me a kiss!” He looks left, he looks right, and then he gives me a quick peck. What the heck is that all about??

Now it begins… My baby is growing up. I guess I still have grandchildren to look forward to. But he’s my baby:(

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

What now?

I went to one of my many doctors yesterday (the one I see for my hip & back) and he has come to the conclusion that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis throughout my entire body. All that I can say to that is DUH!! I can’t even walk around the block without being in pain for a whole week.

Anyways he prescribed Sulindac you can find the side effects here. My favorite quote is this: Remember that your doctor has prescribed this medication because the benefit to you is greater than the risk of side effects. I started taking the pills last night so in a couple of weeks I should know if it is going to help out or not. Hopefully it will. I did not have these problems prior to my Cancer so I guess Chemo is the gift that keeps on giving.

I see Dr. Cripe on the 22nd of this month and if (or when) my blood work comes back ok, I will get to move my appointments to every three months. I am actually pretty excited. I can remember when I started going for my monthly blood draws; I was always so nervous that the Cancer would come back that I couldn’t sleep the night before my appointments.

I have two blogger friends that need a little encouragement this week, Diehl Martin at The Cancer Blog he is reaching the end of his fight against pancreatic cancer, he has recently been put on hospice care (which is basically end of life care). He still has an amazing outlook on life, his faith in God and love for family and friends are all so beautiful . And Why Mommy seems to be a little discouraged this week. She has breast cancer and they have just upped her Chemo to once a week. So stop by and offer a word of encouragement.