Thursday, September 07, 2006

New day, New blog

I’m going to try something new for a while. I have been attempting to do my blogging at work, well without having to tell any of you sometimes that is almost impossible. So now I'm going to do it at home and just bring it into work the next morning and put on my page. (Someday I'll have to get a good computer and the internet at home)

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these past few days since Judy’s passing, and I don’t think that I have totally came to accept everything that happened and the fact that she is now gone…. Forever.

One time I came into the room and Rick was holding her hand talking to her and kissing her on the forehead, I just thought to myself (he would die if that were me) I could just see him picturing me lying there just fading away. He finally admitted it this past weekend, that it had crossed his mind. (Of course it had, because it had crossed mine)

I just couldn’t help but thinking back last year at exactly this time, and how sick I was, and how many times I had been to the Doctors and the emergency room, and they could never tell me what exactly was wrong with me. (One visit to the emergency room I was told that the test came back negative but that they believed that I had mono) WHAT IDIOTS! They finally diagnosed me September 28th I ended up in the hospital the very same day, once everything set in I remember thinking to myself if I die now my babies won’t remember me. Ricky was three and Brenner was five. Sure enough when Judy passed Ricky thought it was a reunion hooked up with some of his cousins his age and had the time of his life. I know only being four he doesn’t understand, but I am so thankful that I’m still here, even if some day cancer does make a claim on my life at least I’m one year closer to being a true memory to my son and daughter, than just what they’ve been told about me. That sounds almost selfish, but I truly thank God for letting me be here one more day.

Once I come to terms with what happened to Judy, I’ll write more about it I’m just not at that place yet. The phone rang on Sunday and before I knew it I almost told said to Rick “it’s your mother!” She called us every evening for years; I guess it will be a hard adjustment. So far everyone is coming along fine though, we all have our moments, but it is such a relief to not have to see her suffer so much.

I’ll be doing a special blog on September 28th to mark my one-year anniversary with cancer so make sure if nothing else you check back on that. I know it’s a funny thing to commemorate but it’s like a personal tragedy in your life that you can never forget (ever), it’s kind of like when September 11th happened it’s definitely a day the nation will never forget, just like the 28th is a day personally that I will never be able to forget. (No matter how much I wish neither one ever happened)

Well new blog, new location, new distraction, the kids are hungry more tomorrow.

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