Friday, September 29, 2006

Cancer Retreat

Khrystyne & Courtney last night at dinner.

IT’S FRIDAY! YEEEAAAAHHH!!! This evening when I leave for work I am going to another cancer retreat. I had planned on going to this with Judy (and actually she was very much looking forward to it) but now I’ll be going alone. I hope people don’t push for too much information on what happened. I am really not up to going into all of the details over and over again.

This weekend we are going to be looking into alternate ways of healing plus ways of reducing stress. So they have massages set up all day Saturday, reflexology, and Yoga. Plus I haven’t mentioned that this camp is for cancer survivors only, so no husband, or children all weekend is sounding pretty sweet to me, even if I plan on spending some time sleeping in the dorms.

We have family night on Saturday night, where your family and friends can come down to have dinner with you, and meet some of the other campers. We will also have Karaoke as entertainment, which I wish they would have a local band again, but hey for me it’s free so what do I care?

Tonight after dinner, we will go down and have a huge bon fire, and then they go around in a circle and let everyone tell who they are and what kind of cancer they have. I think it’s going to be hard for me this time, because last time I went Judy was with me, and now she’s not, and she’s the reason I found this camp.

I normally don’t like talking about my cancer, and dwelling on it, but it doesn’t take away the fact that I am a cancer survivor, and it is nice being able to share your story with other people who can relate when you talk about all of the pain (both emotional and physical) that you are feeling, and you don’t get a look from them like yeah right; your in pain, but so am I. The pain that you feel when you have cancer is much different than just regular aches and pains. It has been nine months since my last chemo treatment, and I still have a lot of pain and discomfort (to the point, that in July I was hospitalized for a week). I am still really tired; it seems that I never get enough sleep.

Well have a good weekend, (I plan on it) I’ll update you on Monday on how everything went; I’m actually going to have my first professional massage tomorrow (and am looking forward to it). I’m just not looking forward to being away from my family, especially my son. Later…

Thursday, September 28, 2006

1 year Anniversary

Well I’ve officially made it one year since my diagnosis of AML (Leukemia). This post will be very lengthy and you don’t have to read all of it, but it is my journal from last year after being diagnosed with cancer. I didn’t have too many entries, but when I did they were pretty long. I was put in the hospital on September 28, 2005 and stayed through almost the end of October for my induction chemo, I was lucky because it put me in remission right away, and I had post remission chemo in November, December, and January of this year. I returned back to work on February 16th and it was very rough at first, but I’m doing much better now. I am just extremely grateful that God seen fit to let me live another year, to be with my children, and to love my husband, and at least I was able to help get him through the death of his mother, and I was able to be with her when she was scared. Anyways here is my story:


Well two days ago I found out that I had Leukemia. I had been sick for the past six weeks, lost 38 pounds, ran fevers, been really low on energy. Finally last week my doctor sent me to have some blood work done, and on Friday they called me and said that I was anemic, and that he wanted me to have some more labs ran. So this past Tuesday I went to have some blood work ran. Wednesday at 6:15 in the morning the phone rang, and I thought, “What does my mother want?” but it was Dr. Hector saying that my blood work had came back and that he was concerned my red blood count had dropped two more points and he believed that I may have Leukemia. He wanted me to go see a hematologist and that he’d call me right back. I called Ange and told her, she was crying and said that she would be right over. I didn’t call Rick right away, because he had meetings at work and then he had a meeting with Mark and Larry about keeping his job (he had put in notice one week before, and a colon specialist thought I may have colon cancer). My doctor called back and told me to go to St Francis hospital to have my blood work drawn, and then to go see Dr Mary Lou Meyer. So I took the babies over to my moms, and I told her. Went back home, met up with Ange, had the blood work done, went over to Dr Myers they finally took us up to a room, and we waited a long time. I was getting very nervous. Finally she came in and stated that she had been on the phone with 9 different people, she told me that they thought that I had Acute Leukemia, and that she knew a really good doctor at IU Medical. I wasn’t even sure if they accepted my insurance Dr. Myers said that they did, that she had already checked and that she already had a room # for me 5846. So Ange and me went home to wait for Rick, he was home within 30 minutes. Ange went outside, I sat down on the couch and told Rick to sit down. He said NO and backed up, I asked him again to sit down Please. He finally sat down, and I told him. He was very upset to say the least (crying). He finally went upstairs to take a shower. Then he and Ange took me to IU Medical. Once I was admitted I had one doctor and nurse after another came in to talk to me. They told me that they would have to do a bone marrow biopsy. So on Thursday they put in a central line in my neck so they can give me different IV’s and draw my blood. Then latter they came in to do my bone marrow biopsy (I can’t even describe the pain) They came back latter that day and told me that I have Acute Myeloginous Leukemia, and they would start me on Chemo by Friday. So I called Ange and asked her if she would cut my hair off for Locks of Love since mine was going to fall out anyways. So she came over today and cut my hair off. Rick had taken the babies for a walk, but Judy, Holly, Khrys, and Courtney were in here while she did it. It made Ange cry, but she did it anyways because I asked her to. (I would do it for her.) It’s short but it will be shorter in a couple of weeks. My central line is bruised right now, it is so very sore..


Well yesterday I had a pretty rough day. I guess it kind of finally hit me and I’m a little scared to say the least. Mom, Bonnie and JJ came by to see me yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon my Aunt Tammy came out, Rick came out last night and a little while later my nurse came in and said that there was a man at their desk who said he knew me his name was Kenny B., I told her that he was my cousin and that she could let him back. He came in and said that he didn’t know my last name. He told the nurses that he was here to see April, and when they asked him for my last name he told them that he didn’t know that I got married (10 years ago) and they gave him a dirty look (he works at that hospital!) It was really nice getting to talk to him. I really do miss him. He said after I get out of here we’ll go to Cheeseburger in Paradise. I’ve already gotten cleaned up this morning. Ange, Holly and all the girls are coming up today, and Kenny said that his mom and dad and maybe Aunt Tammy were coming out after church today. Mom, Rachel and Ricky are coming out tomorrow, also Angie C. Rachel (my sister) called me yesterday and said that she wasn’t sure that she could come up to see me because she didn’t know if she could see me with everything hooked up, and then she started crying. I told her that it was going to be ok. I talked to Shirley for a couple of hours yesterday I was pretty upset, but she let me talk through it. I didn’t want to upset everyone else. Well that’s it for now.

10/2/2005 Later in the day

Well I had a lot of visitors today. Holly and Khrystyne came by, right when they got here Jennifer and her daughter Brooke came by. A few hours later Mary and Kenny Sr. came by Kenny stayed in the hallway, he wouldn’t come in. After that Brad H from work came by. Then my mom, step-dad and little Ricky came by. Rick, Granny, Tammy and Anita and Ricks cousin Phil all called today. I really do need to talk to a preacher, I feel very lost right now, and I really need to make a change in my life for myself, and for my family.

I’m really upset about being in the hospital for the next month. I’m going to miss Khrystyne’s birthday this week, and my mom’s birthday also this week, and I’m going to miss Breanna’s soccer games the last few up to the 15th of this month. Her team won their first game today 6-12. I told Breanna over the phone that I was so proud of her, and she just giggled. When mom, Terry and Ricky was here I couldn’t really breath right so I kept pulling my mask down (Ricky is too small to wear a mask so I have to) so before they left I gave Ricky a couple of kisses, mom yelled at me, but I miss my babies so much. It is hard lying here, but I’d rather be here and get better, than not be in here, and not be here at all. Ricky kept asking me if I was going to come home today, I kept telling him no that I had to stay here for a while her would say OH, and then go on playing with Terry. When I was talking to Breanna on the phone today she also asked me if I was going to come home today, and I said no baby I have to be in the hospital for a while she said ok, I thought you said that you were coming home today. That is probably the hardest part of everything those two are so young that I have to keep telling them over and over, and I miss them all so much. Even the older two and all of their fussing and fighting.

Well that’s it for today. More tomorrow

November 2, 2005

Well it’s been a very long month since I’ve written in here. So I’ll go back a ways. I ended up getting a massive growth in my neck where the central line was, they put me through an x-ray and two extremely painful cat scans. One, I could not lie down so I had to have assistance to just lie down. It never took any fewer than two people to accomplish that. On the second CAT scan it was time for the staff to go home, so they were rushing everything, they ended up hurting me very badly. My IV was pulled out, and I told them that it was pinching so they pulled me back out of the machine; she looked at it and stated, “that it was fine.” But I could tell something was wrong. They gave me a bar to hold on to (it looked like a bar that you would hold onto while skiing) and it pulled my arms all the way over my head. At that time I could barley lift my arm to feed myself. So to say that it was extremely painful does not even began to describe how I felt. The kept pulling me in the machine and pulling me back out over and over and over. So it was like rubbing salt in an open wound. One time they pulled me out they told me to sit up, I was like “I can’t sit up by myself.” So the two women just flung me up yanked the pillow out from under my head and shoved a huge foam neck brace under my neck, and just laid me back down hard. Needless to say I was sobbing through the whole thing. Then they had me hold on to the bar again, in & out of that machine I went until it was time to inject e dye. So the nurse started to inject they dye and it ran out all over my arm. (I had told her that my IV had pulled out) so the second nurse goes, “She has a central line in her neck, let’s just put the dye in through there.” I was like, “THAT’S WHERE THE PROBLEM IS!” but they went ahead and did it anyways. They finished up with the CAT scan and helped me over to my table, called transportation, pushed me out into the hallway to wait for (transportation) and left me by myself. Needless to say I was still crying my eyes out, the guy from transportation came down, took one look at me and asked if I was alright. (I couldn’t speak) so I just shook my head no. He took me back up to my room, and by the time I got up there I guess my face was covered in blood, Ange, Phil and Pastor Mike were waiting for me in the hallway. So Ange and the nurse helped me into my room. (My nurse was off, but she waited for me to see how things went) I was still crying they took me into my room to help me out of my x-tra gown, gloves, mask etc… (Things I always have to wear whenever I go out of my room) I started to tell them what had happened, when my new night shift nurse came in, and started helping when I realized that my nose was bleeding. They helped me over and into my bed, and tried to start my IV up in my arm. I told them that the women downstairs had pulled it out from where it was and just left it there, but they tried to start it back up anyways and the saline solution went everywhere. I told them that it was painful and they had to get it out. So when they pulled it out it was bent at a 90* angle. Finally they got me settled in enough that we let (Rick’s cousin) Phil, and Pastor Mike in. (I was still crying very hard) Pastor Mike talked to me for a few minutes and then he and Phil prayed for me. I looked around and Ange, Phil, Pastor Mike, and my nurse were all crying too. They all felt so bad for me. My nurse asked me the next day if I wanted to file a complaint with the head of the hospital. (I didn’t do it) but she was so upset; I think she made a complaint herself.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Welcome baby Shelby

The day has finally came, my best friend ever Ange has given birth to a beautiful baby girl, her name is Shelby April (after yours truly), she was born September 26, 2006 at 8:51 p.m. and weighed in at 8 lbs 3 oz, and she is 21 inches long.

Ange called me last night around 6pm and stated that her water had broke that morning and that she was already dilated to nine, so the baby was coming soon. I picked up the kids from my mothers and on the way home I called Rick to see if he was on his way home, which he was. I dropped off the kids, and ran to Target (to buy a digital camera), hurried to the hospital where Ange said that she would have Joe to come to the waiting room to get me when it was over, and then I waited from about 7:30 until 9:15 (in the waiting room, with a crazy ass family for another patient, the nurses came by several times to tell them to shut up) Back to the story, Joe finally came down to get me, and I got to go in to see them. The baby is so beautiful I actually teared up (I tried not to cry, because they would have made fun of me). I held her for a few minutes, and stayed for about an hour, and then I left to give them some time with the baby alone before the nurses came back in to take the baby away again.

I was thinking this morning that one year ago I was almost dead, and now I’m still here celebrating a new life, what a difference a day makes. That reminds me of a song that we used to sing in childrens church; it is actually a Bible verse made into a song.

This is the day
That the Lord hath made
Let us rejoice
And be glad in it.

Welcome to the world beautiful Shelby; you are already so very loved.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Just call me Crazy (or better yet his family is crazy)

Not too much has happened this week except me trying to keep my sanity. Rick’s family has truly lost their minds. A very long story short, Rick’s grandmother ended up keeping some of the insurance money from their mother (because the policy was taken out before they were of age) and I quote, “If she didn’t want me to have some of it, she had plenty of time to change the policy.” Now from the time Judy left the hospital until the time she died it was exactly two weeks. Whatever, also Granny, Barb (the Bitch), and Janice went down to Judy and Jim’s house and took all of Judy’s clothes, shoes, purses, and we don’t even know who has them. Personally it was hurtful to me because she told Rick and Shannon that she wanted me to go through her clothes first, and then Janice and Shirley and then she wanted the rest donated to a woman’s shelter. She also left me her leather coat, which smart-ass me took the day after she died because I knew some of them were going to try to start some shit. Rick was so upset he threw a big fit at his grandmothers house, (I was not there because some people in his family think that I am in his ear all of the time telling him what to do, so I decided to stay out of it, and let Rick handle everything all on his own, so they got to deal with Rick, I mean the real Rick not the one that I calm down and talk sense into) so anyways he was at his grandmothers yelling and screaming finally his aunt (sis), and uncle Charlie talked him into going outside, when he went to open the gate he threw it open so hard that not only the gate went flying but so did the whole fence post right into the middle of the driveway. Needless to say they were all pretty frightened and they will never have a problem with me being there again, because he is f**king crazy. He doesn’t act like that towards me, because he knows that I will not allow it, I’ll take his kids and hit the damn road. Anyways, long story short we will have to make other plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year because if we show up at his grandmothers house a huge fight will insue.

I was just talking with a girl from work and telling her about my son, every time we have a get together at my house my cousin Jennifer will bring him over a bag of crabby patties (Sponge Bob gummy candy) and she will set back and watch him and chuckle, because he will set there and pull them apart and ask who wants his pickles. It is so cute; he really thinks that they are pickles. Did I mention that he is a Pollock? Whenever you make little Ricky mad he will call you a Pollock he’ll say, “You’re a Pollock!” thinking that he is saying something bad because everyone starts laughing.

I had my monthly cancer checkup yesterday, and everything is still good. I will be in remission 1 year next month. (Although I had to take post remission chemo through January of this year) I go back next month for the last of my monthly visits, and then I get to start every other month checkups for the second year, then every three months for the third, every four months for the fourth, and every five months for the fifth, and then I will be considered cured. Hopefully I will make it without having a relapse.

This weekend is the fall Cancer Camp at Camp Bluebird, Rick has begged me not to go (he doesn’t want to be alone) but I am still going because on Sunday afternoon before we leave they have a memorial service for all of the campers that have passed away since camp this spring, and of course Judy will be one of those. It’ll be hard, and I don’t think that I’ll be able to say anything because it's all still too fresh for me. But she had some really good friends who sent her cards, and letters, and even came by to visit her in those last few weeks so I’m sure someone will be able to say a few words about her. I really do miss her, even with all of the recent family drama lately, that doesn’t change the way I felt about her. Well time to go, please don’t forget to check in on the 28th I am getting something ready for my one year anniversary from being diagnosed with cancer.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Ho, Hum.

Talk about looking like your father, the picture on the left is a picture of my husband and his father (both on the right side of the picture) and the picture on the right is my husband now and our son. You can't deny that he is his fathers son.

Not a whole lot has been going on these last few days. I have managed to get sick yet again. I guess when you live in a house with five other people the only place that the bug can go is back to you, but man getting up this morning was rough.

Both of my teenage daughters are grounded (for grades of course) they haven’t even made it to midterms yet and one has two F’s and one has three F’s. So needless to say they have had everything taken away (T.V., Video games etc…) and are grounded to the house, they both had big plans this past weekend, and yet they found themselves stuck at home with mom and dad ALL WEEKEND LONG. Please don’t feel sorry for them, but instead direct your sympathy towards me, because being stuck in the house with four kids all weekend long with nothing to do will drive anybody crazy!! Namely me!

I’m at work right now, and it is boring! I busted ass this morning getting everything done, and hence this afternoon I have nothing to do. We were supposed to have some people from corporate in our office this afternoon, but of course they have yet to show up. So I guess I’ll just goof off the rest of the day. I wish that I could just go home and take a nap.

I went over to Ange’s house this past weekend and I swear that every time that I see her she just keeps getting bigger and bigger. She is a pretty small person normally so she is all belly. She is due next week, but hopefully she’ll be here this week, because I just can’t wait. Ange has been having a lot of contractions as well so it can’t be much longer.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Family, You got to love em.

Khrystyne in our Garage (she's into the alternative look) (not her mothers choice by the way)

My church has been having a revival all week, and I’ve been every day except for Monday (I was sick). So I’ve not really had a lot of time to myself little lone time for blogging.

My husband has been sort of an ass all week long, snapping at the kids, being a jerk to me. I finally told him if he didn’t knock it off I was going to go stay with a friend. So finally today he is starting to come around a little bit. I asked him what was wrong, if there was something that I had done to him or what? “NO” was his only answer. So finally I asked him if this was because of his mom, then he couldn’t speak (we were on the phone with each other) so I told him, that I know that he just lost his mother, but we lost her as well, and the things that he has been saying and doing has been very hurtful to the children. So hopefully things will settle down tonight because damn I’m tired of walking around on eggshells (I’m sure the kids are as well).

My daughter Khrystyne is going to be in her schools homecoming parade tonight. So I get to take off of work a little bit early for that (yea!) She is in the World Cultures Club, and she will be carrying a flag in the parade, she is pretty excited about that. Last night was their monthly meeting and it was Japanese night, so a parent brought in sushi for the kids (Khrystyne) has had sushi in the past and of course again last night, and she loves it. Now for my question, “How can a kid who refuses to eat any kind of veggies at all, love raw fish?” She does not even like to eat just a plain salad, lettuce/tomato etc, she says that she doesn’t like the taste of the lettuce?? ?WHAT? Lettuce doesn’t even have a taste. Oh well, she is very interested in other cultures to the point that she wants to go to college in Japan, so I guess that's good. She draws Anime, and she is actually extremely good at it, her pictures are better than most of the books that she buys. She is in the process of writing her first book. Hopefully she will get to make what she loves profitable, so she can make a career out of it.

We are still on baby watch for my friend Ange. She is due on the 28th, but is already dilated to 4, and effaced 80%. So it could happen anytime, I just can’t wait. (It's her first, other than six step-children, and one adopted child, so technically it is her eighth child, but first natural)

Well I’m getting ready to go to lunch, so I’ll have to cut this short.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Sometimes you read something that you just have to pass along.

When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room.
She said: "How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ?
When can I see him ?"

The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it."

Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more ? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?"

The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university."

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair ?" the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

Dear Mom,
I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say "I Love You". I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him ?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

She is her Fathers Daughter

She looks so innocent doesn't she.

I haven’t told too much about my daughter Breanna she is six years old and in the first grade. She has asthma it is only really bad in the colder months, but since we live in Indiana the colder months are from the end of August through May (so most of the time).

Yesterday morning before leaving for work I woke up my husband, son and daughter (the two older girls leave much earlier) I got Breanna’s clothes together and went to get her backpack, well it felt a little light so I looked inside to make sure that everything was there. Her homework folder, daily journal, and little book she has to read for homework was all missing. So I let her and my husband know before I left for work that they needed to find it, I looked in all of the obvious places under all of the beds in the closets and I even dumped out the toy boxes and went through them. My husband got up and moved all of the couches and chairs these books were nowhere to be found. By this time I was starting to run late so I made a nice peaceful exit. NOT SO FOR MY HUSBAND. As soon as I got to work he was already calling me on my cell to let me know that she was refusing to go to school (because she would get a red card, which meant that she would lose 10min of recess) You could hear her screaming to the top of her lungs in the background.

Rick: She is under the dining room table in the front room and she wont come out.

Me: (After laughing hysterically at him) Just try talking to her, and let her know that I will call her teacher and let her know what happened. Let me talk to her, I’ll let her know that it will be alright.

Puts phone up to ear:

Breanna: *Screaming* (for no less that 5 minutes) (does her father not understand that I do not want to hear this either?)

Rick (finally coming back onto phone): See she wont listen, (with her asthma she gets really blotchy when she is hot or crying) She looks like I have beaten the shit out of her, and I swear I haven’t touched her, I can’t take her to school looking like this, they'll throw me in jail.

Me: Just go sit down in the living room until she calms down, and then let her know that I will talk to her teacher for her.

Rick: OK, I don’t have anything to lose now she has already missed the bus by now so she is going to be late anyways.

(We hang up) 15 minutes later, maybe 20.

Rick: She started to calm down, so I went in to hold her and console her and she had her shoes and socks off and has taken off all of her clothes, she is under the table in nothing but her underwear, she has one leg and arm wrapped around one chair and the other arm, and leg wrapped around another chair still under the table and now crying all over again.

Me: (Once again laughing) Rick, she has to go to school.

Rick: I can’t take her to school like this.

Me: Shirley and I were just talking about this, last night on Nanny 911 she said that the little girl refused to get dressed for school, so they took her to school the next day in her little night gown and undies with her clothes packed in her backpack, the next day she did not give her mother problems when it was time to go to school. I’m not telling you to take her to school in her underwear, but just throw some clothes on her, and take her to school yelling and screaming like that, I guarantee you she’ll stop that shit.

Rick: You should have seen what I had to go through just to get her shoes and socks on in the first place.

Me: Let me talk to her. (she gets on the phone) I told her that if I had to leave work to come home and make her go to school, that she would be getting a spanking. (put your dad on the phone) Give her five minutes to get it together or tell her that you will spank her.

Five minutes later they were out the door, no spanking of course, but when she realized that we were not going to put up with that behavior any longer she knew she had better move on. (By the way this is the very short version of about six phone calls from Rick to myself) He took her to school at 10am, she was supposed to leave for the bus stop around 8am. In the meantime I had emailed her teacher to let her know what was going on and her reply was: THANK YOU FOR YOUR MESSAGE. SORRY THAT IT ISN’T A GOOD MONDAY FOR BREANNA!!!!! (No kidding it wasn't much fun for her father either, although I was pretty amused)

Guess where her books were at? No, please guess! AT SCHOOL!!! The whole time! She never even brought them home last Friday.

Moral of the story: Now Rick understands why some days I’m looking forward to just going to bed, and she is just as stubborn as he is.

Saturday, September 09, 2006


Well lets just say that they past two days have been very hectic, terrifying, infuriating, well you get the point.

First after I wrote my last blog, I was making dinner for the kids and my 13 yr old (Courtney) was in the kitchen with me she was swinging her arms around and hit her hip, and said, “OW” she pulled back her pants and said, “Mom feel this” (she has had a freckle/mole for the past couple of years there, it’s very weird looking, it is a bluish/purple color) I went to feel it and it had a lump under it. (Please mind you I have been diagnosed with cancer this past year, and just lost my mother-in-law last week) So automatically I fear the worse, so I take a closer look it has gotten bigger and now its color is black. Needless to say I could not sleep a wink on the 6th, and as soon as her doctors office opened on the 7th I made her an appointment for that afternoon. The doctor said that it was just a mole, but to be on the safe side he wanted me to take her to a specialist to have it removed since it has grown and changed colors. A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders at that moment. I would have died if it was something more; it was just hard not to worry with everything else that has been going on lately.

Now for yesterday, let me start off by saying my husband’s family is more nuts than my own family and that is really saying a lot. I got to work yesterday morning at 8am by 8:30 my husband called me I could barley understand what he was trying to say he was so upset.

His aunt Barb had called him screaming, “Why did you go to Judy’s house without Granny? She told you and Shannon not to go through your mothers things unless she was there.”

He said, “Barb, Granny never said anything to me about that.”

Barb: Granny also said, that Ange never saw her sign those insurance papers.

(My best friend Ange dated my husband Rick when we were SIXTEEN YEARS OLD, and she witnessed his grandmother sign the request for a lost insurance policy, not the actual policy, because it had to be notarized. Barb is also a notary and thinks she has to be in everybody’s business)

Then Rick informs me of something that I never even knew take place. At the funeral home last week AT HIS MOTHERS FUNERAL:

Barb said, “Who is Ange pregnant by Poo YOU? (His whole family calls him Poo, or Poo Bear)

Rick: BARB, Why would you even say that?

Barb: Well you know that April was in the hospital a lot last year. (He said the she had said it in a jokingly manor, but it still offended him, and he never told me)

Well then yesterday in the middle of screaming at my husband:

Barb: You know Poo we ALL know that that baby Ange is carrying is yours! Your mother told me on her death bed that you were the father of Ange's baby. (Judy knew better than that, so I know that she is lying)

At this point he starts crying all over again (she really hurt him with that comment, the BITCH knew what she was doing)

Rick: (to me) you know you were in the hospital, so was mom and I didn’t know… he kind of faded off.

Myself: If I was going to die?

Rick: Well, yeah. I don’t know why she would say something like that.

Myself: Because she’s a F**king Bitch that’s why! (At the time that I was first in the hospital his mother was also admitted she was about to have a heart attack and they thought she might die then)

At this point I had run out of every ounce of patients with this bitch and the whole situation. I was just ready to flat out kick her ass.

There were so many more things that she had said to him, but I just don’t have the time to go into all of it. But could I please mention HIS MOTHER JUST DIED LAST WEEK.

So while we were speaking his grandmother called, Rick told her that we only went down there to move some of Judy’s things out, because Jim’s daughter had left her husband and was moving in to take care of her father, and needed some space. He told her that he and Shannon neither one was up to going through their mother’s things just yet, but when they did he would bring her whatever she wanted. (He also took her Judy’s glasses yesterday that she had asked for) After he talked to his grandmother, I called her, and let her know how upset Rick was the night before just being at the house that his mother had just died in, but how we packed up her things and everything is in boxes out in our garage taped up where it will stay until Rick and Shannon are ready to go through her things, and if nobody could understand that, that was their problem, and they would have to get over it.

Then I called Judy’s other sister Janice, and told her what we had done, (she had asked for one of Judy’s bible) and I told her that when Rick and Shannon was up to going through her things I would get her Judy’s bible. She said, “Oh that ok honey I know you will, how has Rick been holding up this past week?” NOW THAT IS THE KIND OF COMMENTS WE SHOULD BE HEARING FROM HIS FAMILY AT THIS TIME. I told her that he is doing ok, and that I’d talk to her later. She said, “Ok honey I Love you guys.”

In the meantime I had tried to reach my friend Ange all day long, no answer. So then I started worrying, “Is she in labor, is everything alright?”

I told my mother what had happened when I went to pick Ricky up from school. After I got home she called me and said Jim came down to the shop today.

Me: Jim who? (I know more than one Jim)

Mom: Judy’s Jim.

Me: Oh

Mom: He told Danny and Phyllis that he was glad you guys came down to get Judy’s things when you did. He got a phone call today from Barb (the bitch that keeps on giving), and she told him, “Don’t you let anyone take any thing of Judy’s out of that house until we get there. Jim told Danny, “I still don’t know who WE is.”

Later that night Rick was at the race track, and I get a phone call from Barb’s son Mark (he is Rick’s age) wanting to speak to Rick, I told him that Rick was already at the race track, but he could get him on his cell. When Rick got home (at 2:00 this morning) he said that Barb must have been on a rampage yesterday. She called Mark and let him know that he was just wasting time and space on this earth, and that he was a loser, and would never amount to anything, and that if he ever did get anything it would end up going up his nose. (Now this is her own son, and he has had problems in the past but now he is going to work every day paying child support, trying to do right.) Rick said that Mark was crying like a baby, so upset and hurt that he could barley speak. (Now Mark is not a little man by any means he is over seven feet tall and over three hundred pounds, and she broke him that bad.) Again WHAT A BITCH! He said my mom would have never said anything like that to me even if I was a fuck up.

I finally got a hold of Ange last night and she was just as pissed about everything as I was to say the least. She said, “I wouldn’t even worry about it, those people don’t even know you, Rick or me, or even Judy for that matter.” (She has only seen this sister 2 times a year, more if there was a funeral or wedding, but they were not close by any means) Ange has been married for 13 years and is expecting her first baby any day; I could hear her over the phone pacing back and forth just like I was doing (I was hoping that this conversation would not put her into labor). That whole conversation lasted for over an hour, but I felt a whole lot better after speaking to her. And for the record Ange said that she would rather sleep with me before sleeping with my husband. That she would never do that to me, and for that matter Rick would never do that to me. Which that was never a question in my mind at any point during this whole crazy day. The father of her baby is, wait for it, wait for it, her husband! WOW! Imagine that?

My blood pressure was through the roof yesterday, and I told the older kids what had been said, and they were so pissed. The know better than what Barb was suggesting.

Well I guess that is enough of a rant for today, so much for me trying to stop cussing, I guess I’ll have to work on that a little harder. Sorry if this post was a little too long. I really needed to vent.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

New day, New blog

I’m going to try something new for a while. I have been attempting to do my blogging at work, well without having to tell any of you sometimes that is almost impossible. So now I'm going to do it at home and just bring it into work the next morning and put on my page. (Someday I'll have to get a good computer and the internet at home)

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these past few days since Judy’s passing, and I don’t think that I have totally came to accept everything that happened and the fact that she is now gone…. Forever.

One time I came into the room and Rick was holding her hand talking to her and kissing her on the forehead, I just thought to myself (he would die if that were me) I could just see him picturing me lying there just fading away. He finally admitted it this past weekend, that it had crossed his mind. (Of course it had, because it had crossed mine)

I just couldn’t help but thinking back last year at exactly this time, and how sick I was, and how many times I had been to the Doctors and the emergency room, and they could never tell me what exactly was wrong with me. (One visit to the emergency room I was told that the test came back negative but that they believed that I had mono) WHAT IDIOTS! They finally diagnosed me September 28th I ended up in the hospital the very same day, once everything set in I remember thinking to myself if I die now my babies won’t remember me. Ricky was three and Brenner was five. Sure enough when Judy passed Ricky thought it was a reunion hooked up with some of his cousins his age and had the time of his life. I know only being four he doesn’t understand, but I am so thankful that I’m still here, even if some day cancer does make a claim on my life at least I’m one year closer to being a true memory to my son and daughter, than just what they’ve been told about me. That sounds almost selfish, but I truly thank God for letting me be here one more day.

Once I come to terms with what happened to Judy, I’ll write more about it I’m just not at that place yet. The phone rang on Sunday and before I knew it I almost told said to Rick “it’s your mother!” She called us every evening for years; I guess it will be a hard adjustment. So far everyone is coming along fine though, we all have our moments, but it is such a relief to not have to see her suffer so much.

I’ll be doing a special blog on September 28th to mark my one-year anniversary with cancer so make sure if nothing else you check back on that. I know it’s a funny thing to commemorate but it’s like a personal tragedy in your life that you can never forget (ever), it’s kind of like when September 11th happened it’s definitely a day the nation will never forget, just like the 28th is a day personally that I will never be able to forget. (No matter how much I wish neither one ever happened)

Well new blog, new location, new distraction, the kids are hungry more tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Last Week's Details

Well let’s get started with all of the details: Tuesday afternoon (8/29) after I left work I went to my friends house to pick up an attachment for my daughters inhaler, I ended up staying for right at an hour so I called my husband to let him know (1) where I was and (2) that I was headed to his mothers house. Well when he answered the phone I automatically picked up my purse and headed out the door. He was sobbing so bad he could not even speak. (My friend’s house is less than five minutes from his mother’s house) So I was there in less than two minutes (thank God no cops were around) I went into the house and went to the family room where Judy was, Rick was sitting next to her bed bent over crying hysterically, I looked at her and she was barley breathing extremely short shallow breaths (almost sounding like a pig, or a grunting sound) her eyes were opened but they were rolled back into her head. So I rubbed his back and whispered into his ear to calm down that his mother could still hear him. Finally I took him into the other room and got him calmed down, I told him that his mother was probably anxious and to talk to her and to let her know that everything was going to be okay and to try to calm her down. So he finally got it together and calmed down and sat next to her. I went into the kitchen his aunt Emma said that Judy had gotten worse since she had been there at 1:00, so I asked Shirley if she had called Hospice yet and she hadn’t, so I picked up the phone and called Hospice and told two different people what was going on, and there response was that they would have someone to call me back. I went back into the house and sat with Judy (while Rick went to get some air) Hospice finally called back and while I was talking to her I noticed that she had this rattling/gurgling sound so I told the nurse she said that it was the death rattle, after I explained everything that was going on she stated that the end was near. There was an emergency kit of medication in the refrigerator they called a comfort kit so she instructed me which medications to give to her for the pain and anxiety (no one else wanted to give it to her) so I had to. After that pretty much all of her brothers and sisters came down, they brought her 90 year old mother down too so that they all could say their good-byes. It was very hard for everyone to see her like that. Finally everyone left and I fell asleep (on the couch next to Judy), his aunt Shirley had came in a couple of times to check on her, Rick sat with her until 3:30 then he fell asleep in the recliner in the next room, her brother Charlie checked on her at 4:10 then fell asleep on the floor next to her bed, and Jim (Judy’s boyfriend of over 20 years) stayed awake on the couch in the next room coming in to check on her every once in awhile. I woke up pretty much every time someone came in to check on her, but once I had a dream that Judy had died it seamed so real I opened my eyes and Shirley was sitting next to her bed. I didn’t hear Judy breathing, but I let Shirley have her time (20mins) later she got up and went into the kitchen I went over to check on her and she was already gone. We woke up Rick and I called Hospice so that they could come out and make 100% sure before we called the funeral home. We called Ricks sister Shannon, and his aunt Brenda they came down before the funeral home got there. Wednesday was not as bad as the night before, by the afternoon all of the arrangements had been made, and we got home in time for the kids to get off of the school bus and to let them know what had happened (they had stayed the night at my moms the night of) My daughter Courtney took it really hard she cried for over an hour, but afterwards we went out to eat and let them talk about what had happened. It was so heart breaking. Her showing was Friday, and we buried her on Saturday (She looked great by the way). She will be greatly missed.