Thursday, August 31, 2006

RIP Judy

I know that I haven't posted much this week, but my mother-in-law passed away yesterday morning. So now we are in the process of getting ready for her funeral this weekend. I'll post more next week.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Daddy, Guess WHAT???

Let me start off by saying that my son is only four. He cannot even comprehend what is going on with his grandmother, but because she is slipping faster and faster I decided to talk to Ricky and Breanna about what was happening to their grandma. I told them that she was really sick and did they know how mommy had cancer and the doctors made me better, well the doctors could not make Grandma Judy's cancer better, and she is going to die. Little Ricky totally changed the subject he really doesn't understand what death is, Breanna had a few questions I answered them the best that I could and told her if she has any questions to ask me or her other grandmother, or even her teacher.

My husband and I were going to his mother’s house to care for her, and the kids were in the back of the van. When we pulled up to Judy's my son said, "Daddy, Guess what?" Rick said, "What?" Ricky says, "Grandma Judy is going to die, did you know that?" ????????? I said, "Ricky, don't say that." Rick said, "What did he say?" I had to repeat it for him, and his eyes welled up with tears. I told him that Ricky is too young to understand what it means, but talk about kids saying the darndest things. I didn't even think that he was paying attention to me when I was trying to explain it to them.

My daughter Breanna had an asthma attack Friday morning at midnight so I was up with her until after 4am. Needless to say we did not go to work or school on Friday, and I had to take her to the doctors because she has not had an episode in over a year and had very little medicine left. Then we stayed out all weekend at my mother in laws to care for her. It is starting to wear us out. Not that we would not take care of her, but it is so draining.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Progressively Declining

Progress toward goal: Progressively declining.

That is what the hospice nurse wrote on my mother-in-laws paperwork yesterday. It just seems weird to me that they would consider dying a goal… but I’ll tell you what my hat is off to the people who work in the hospice field, day in and day out taking care of patients that you know won’t be here a few days, weeks, or months down the road. Taking care not only of the patient but their families as well; just having to watch people quickly decline, and try to keep them from feeling as little pain as possible, the smell (believe me death has a smell), the heart break, they can’t help but be affected by their patients. It must be one of the toughest jobs in the world.

My mother-in-law asked me to go online today to find out what she can expect next, so if any of you have gone through this please let me know what to tell her. She said that she can’t take the pain anymore and she wishes that it was just over. She asked the hospice nurse last night what will they do when they give her all of the pain medication that she can have without killing her, and she is still in pain what will they do… The nurse would not answer her. They have her on a pain pump giving her so much per hour, and then they have it set to where she can push the button every (10min) (7min) now every 5 minutes. Sometimes I just wish that it would be over for her, I know she is not ready to leave her family, and they will miss her terribly, but I just hate to see her so sick.

Well my appointment is in a couple of hours, I’m expecting good news. I definitely don’t feel sick, and I’m coming up to my 1 year mark for remission. So wish me luck.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

FINALLY A DAY OFF


Don't get me wrong I love my mother-in-law with all of my heart, but man did we ever need a night off. We are both drained both physically and mentally and I don't think that we have even slept in the same bed for over a week. Rick finally cut the grass last night first time in over three weeks, luckily our neighbors hadn't filed a complaint yet.

I can't even think about my mother-in-law without getting an upset stomach, or having my eyes fill up with tears, it's just so hard. My husband just called her and he said that every time he speaks to her she tells him that she is so hungry; to the point she is thinking about letting them put a feeding tube in. She also had a really hard night last night throwing up all night long. I don't think that his aunt knows what to do, if it were me, I would have called Hospice and had them come out and give her something to stop the vomiting.

This Thursday I go to the hospital for my blood work, hopefully everything will come back ok. I've actually been feeling pretty well myself. Knock on wood, because God knows we can't handle anything else right now. If I were to get sick again right now, I'm afraid my husband would have a mental breakdown.

Well I guess that's it for now. More Later.

Emigration

Emigration

Try being sick for a year,
then having that year turn into two,
until the memory of your health is like an island
going out of sight behind you

and you sail on in twilight,
with the sound of waves.
It's not a dream. You pass
through waiting rooms and clinics

until the very sky seems pharmaceutical,
and the faces of the doctors are your stars
whose smile or frown
means to hurry and get well or die.

And because illness feels like punishment,
an enormous effort to be good
comes out of you --
like the good behavior of a child

desperate to appease
the invisible parents of this world.
And when that fails,there is an orb of anger

rising like the sun above
the mind afraid of death,
and then a lake of grief, staining everything below,
and then a holding action of neurotic vigilance

and then a recitation of the history
of second chances.
And the illusions keep on coming,
and fading out, and coming on again

while your skin turns yellow from the medicine,
your ankles swell like dough above your shoes,
and you stop wanting to make love
because there is no love in you,

only a desire to be done.
But you're not done.
Your bags are packed
and you are traveling.
-- Tony Hoagland, Sweet Ruin

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Joke of the Day

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Tired........

Tired, Tired, Tired, Tired, Tired, Tired, Tired, Tired, Tired…. Did I mention that I am tired? Rick’s mother was sent home from the hospital last Tuesday and we have been going out there after work every evening to help care for her (until 10 or 11pm) and to give Rick’s aunt a break. Then on Friday we packed up all of the kids (4) and went to stay the weekend. His aunt Shirley went home on Friday, and for the most part I took care of her all weekend. Rick had to work on Saturday, but as soon as he got off he came right back out. She is getting so weak, and is unable to eat, the people from hospice said that her bowels have shut down, and eventually everything else will shut down and that will be it. They have taken her off of all of her medication expect for pain meds, nausea meds, and fever reducer. Anyways, we were there until Monday evening (I was at work Monday, but Rick was there) his sister Shannon was there no more than 1 ½ hours all weekend long, and on Sunday her and her boyfriend (minus all of their kids) went to Kings Island. God forbid that she came down to spend time with her mother that will most likely be gone in a few weeks, or to let us have a break to go grab something to eat. She only came out a couple of nights last week too. On Friday night Shannon was setting out on the porch swing, and she told me that she won’t be there when her mother dies. I said, “Shannon, you can’t not be there!” She said, “Well I’m sorry if I can’t watch my mother die.” (If she is not there she will regret it for the rest of her life.) Can I please say she is the most selfish person I have ever met? Even now with her mother dying it is still all about Shannon. She cannot see that her mother wants her there; she wants her family to be around her. It’s not easy for my husband either but he is there every day, he has black bags under his eyes from little sleep, and from crying so much, but yet he is still there. If anything we don’t want her to be alone when she does go.

I hardly slept all weekend, because she had to have meds all through the night, and of course they all had to be given at different times. So there you go, once she was getting sick and I was trying to wake up Rick to help me I was throwing stuff off of her bedside table (and actually hitting him) and he still did not wake up. You know he had to sleep on the couch by her bed so that he could hear her if she needed something, and I ended up hearing her from the bedroom way before he did. But he has thanked me over and over saying that he did not know what he would do without me, so that goes a long way with me. (It’s not like I wouldn’t help out anyways, she’s like my mother I love her too.) But it’s still nice to hear once in awhile.

I went Friday and put the deposit down on her funeral arraignments, that was surreal it’s just weird making those kinds of plans when someone is still alive. But now Rick and Shannon won’t have to worry about anything, because it’s already set. They are going to have a dove release ceremony at the grave site, and also they are going to have it to where everyone follows the Hurst to the gravesite on foot, (because it is so close to the funeral home.) That kind of gives it an old timey feel, and I kind of like that.

My mother and her husband are moving this week; they found a cute little house and have been painting and getting it ready to move in this past week. She told me that they picked out more subtle colors this time (my husband swears that they are color blind) so she started showing me the colors that they had gotten to paint their house (which to start out with was all white) She showed me the kitchen color which was a nice light peach color (they have white cabinets) so I thought so far so good. Then came the bathroom color which was a light lavender color (it wasn’t actually too bad), now wait for it… the living room which is the only room that has carpet (deep red carpet) they picked sky blue paint (with red carpet), then in their bed room was a different shade of blue (very dark), and in the second bedroom they picked AQUA!!! And it is very AQUA!!! So the peach was a bit of a teaser, man her house is going to be bright!! She had a house one time that they painted purple with purple trim, and let me tell you this is no exaggeration it glowed in the dark… my friends would always crack jokes about her house glowing in the dark, because she lived on a very poorly lit street, but you could see her house all the way down the street in the dark. A bedroom in that same house was painted black with black carpet and red trim with red velvet curtains. Like I said COLOR BLIND!

I still have to take my husband over there to see where it is so that he can drop off our son in the mornings, with everything going on with his mother we just haven’t had the time. Well that’s about it for now more later…

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Cancer Sucks

Well it’s been a long turbulent week. My mother-in-law is slipping downward faster and faster. At first they said that she had months to live (one person even stated that it would most likely be after the first of the year) than we were told less than three months, now they are saying within weeks, but I believe that it is just going to be a matter of days. Aunt Shirley (who is staying with Judy 24 hours a day) called me earlier and said that the hospice nurses came out (they couldn’t stop her from throwing up) and they told them that her bowels are shutting down. (I think once things start shutting down it’s just a matter of days) We have been planning her funeral which is very surreal since she is still alive, but while she was in the hospital she asked one of her sisters to get things started so that it would be easier on Rick and Shannon, and then after they found out and got upset she told them all that she did not even remember asking her to do it. Everything is pretty much planned so we are just going to keep things as is for now. (I am skipping the whole drama behind this until I feel better, because it still gives me a headache, but I will get to it sometime soon)

We are still trying to get her to sign Living Will, her Will, and Power of Attorney which will have to happen tonight before she doesn’t know what she is doing. We all know what she wants but she is one of 9 children and a very determined 90 year old mother, and if there is any arguments after she passes we will have it in writing and notarized. We have a notary coming over tonight to witness everything. So hopefully we will keep as much peace as possible. However if it comes down to it I am not above telling them all to Fuck off. This is hard enough on Rick and Shannon losing their mother, and honestly they just don’t need it. They both look like shit, black circles under their eyes, red eyes, they look totally worn out, and they are both horrified that this is happening in the first place little lone that it is happening so quickly. (Two weeks ago she told them that she had two years to live) So they really just don’t need the drama, honestly neither do I. Because of course they have been babyfied by their mother their whole lives, and now all the responsibility falls to me, Rick asked his sister last night if she trusted me to make all of the arraignments and she said, “yes” so I’ll be taking care of everything.

This is so hard for me as well I am very close to Judy, she’s like a mother to me we have always gotten along very well and besides for my best friend Ange she is the next closest friend that I have. Before she got sick, we talked on the phone every day even if just to say hi. So I make sure that I don’t cry in front of them, and try to be strong for all of them. It’s so hard though. I HATE CANCER WITH A PASSION!!!!! I watched my grandfather die of lung cancer, I’ve unfortunately had to deal with cancer myself (leukemia) (still in remission thank God) and now I’m having to watch someone close to me fade away. It is so gut wrenching, I can’t stand it.

I the mean time my three older children have started school, so we all are going to need a vacation after this, and we just may take one with or without pay. We have not had any time off from drama, just one thing after another after another since before I was diagnosed last year. We are all just so tired. Well keep us in your thoughts and prayers we are going to need it.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Trying to stand still????


It’s been awhile since I have written; my personal life has been a swirl for the past couple of weeks. My mother-in-law (Judy) has taken a sudden turn for the worse, Shannon (my sister-in-law) her friend Corinne and my daughter Courtney took her to the emergency room Friday night 8/4/06 and they ended up keeping her. She is still there as a matter of fact. Her doctor was on vacation until this Friday, so his associates that have been seeing her let her know that her cancer is spreading so fast that she has less than six months to live. They were really upset that she had not been set up on hospice yet. So it took her until yesterday to kind of accept what they told her (she is still waiting to hear it from her doctor though) but she finally decided to accept hospice, it may keep her out of the hospital so much. In the past 30 days she has been admitted three times, for pain, and she can’t keep anything down, and now she is running a fever so she’ll probably be there for a few more days. It’s been really hard on Rick and Shannon their mother was telling them that she still had at least two years (I don’t think that she had come to terms with it herself) but they just really found out last Thursday when I told them, and then it was confirmed by the doctors on Friday.

We received a call last weekend form my husbands aunt in Michigan (that we go to every 4th of July) and her husband was under the weather when we visited last month well (wait for it, wait for it) he has CANCER. WTF it seems like every one I know is coming down with cancer!!! He has a mass in the center of his chest in between his lungs, so they are not sure what kind of cancer he has just yet. They have been together for almost 20 years, and their oldest child just turned six, and the twins will be five in December. So if you are a person of faith please pray for them. They really need it.

My husband has another uncle who is having open heart surgery today. So like I said everything is spinning so fast I just can’t keep up.

On a much lighter note: I was on my way to lunch today (and every Friday they run a warning system at 11:00 am to make sure that everything is still working properly) Well when my six year old was about two or three every time she heard that sound she would say, “Mommy, it’s firthy (thirty) o’clock.” She would try to sound so grown up; every time I hear that sound it reminds me of her.

Next month I have another cancer retreat to go to. I signed up myself, and my mother-in-law to go I really hope that she makes it or feels up to it at least. She really wants to go one last time.

My friend Anges’ baby shower is this Sunday, so of course I am going to run around like a mad woman tonight to get everything bought and ordered. I really shouldn’t wait until the last minute.

Well I hope you all have a nice weekend. Keep our family in your prayers.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Joke of the Day

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter whatthe circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" "The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go ho me."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Ricky Ricky Ricky

Well I’ll start this one off with a story about my son. I wasn’t feeling well last week, so I was lying down (asleep actually) when I heard the loudest scream possible followed by nonstop blood curdling crying. In a sleep induced haze I jumped up and started running (and fumbling) towards the stairs. I’m a little slow anyways so I yelled up to my husband and other children to see what was wrong with him. My husband comes to the top of the stairs and gives me a shitty look and slaps two glue boards together. (I work at a pest control company and my 13yr old daughter swore that she seen a mouse in her room, so I brought home some glue boards, and had her put them under all of the beds upstairs.) Well Ricky was playing in his room and got under his bed and got one stuck on his forearm and one on his knee/shin, he said, “Mommy why was that under my bed?” I told him, “Because we were trying to catch a mouse, not a Ricky.” He said, “I don’t like that don’t do it again!!” Needless to say we have yet to catch a mouse. (Poor Baby)

Another little Ricky story: Last night when me & Rick went to bed Ricky was still awake (normally we get him to go to sleep downstairs, then we transplant him to his own bed, and then he’ll come in our room a couple of hours later… he wears us out, but if he is awake forget about it) so he went to bed with us last night. Anyways he was almost asleep, but then he started moving around and playing so I sat up and took a drink of water when I was finished I stuck my fingers in the water and flicked some on my husband who at this point was on his way to LALA land, he jumped half a mile started yelling and cussing, Ricky started cracking up (he thought it was the funniest thing EVER!) so of course I had to do it a couple of more times to keep little Ricky rolling (I got him once or twice too) Ricky goes, “I’ve always wanted to do that!” So I said, “Stick your fingers in and flick daddy.” So he does, but not only that but he dropped a few ice cubes next to his dad and put his cold hands on his back. Rick still yelling said, “Boy I’m going to beat you!!” Ricky was just cracking up, and then he finally went to sleep with his head in my back and his feet in his dad’s face.

My mom just called with yet (another Ricky) story. She said that they kids had been watching cartoons. (Breanna always watches what she wants, and Ricky is just stuck with it) Well for some reason one of Ricky’s shows were on, and my mom wanted to watch a show so she started looking for the remote…She could not find it anywhere she said that she looked in her bedroom, the hallway, the playroom, even in the bathroom all the time Ricky was right on her heels looking everywhere that she looked finally she ended up back in the living room and she asked the kids where is my remote? Breanna said, “I don’t know.” “Ricky you were the last one with the remote. Where is it?” Without a beat Ricky looked at Breanna and grandma walked into the Kitchen (who would’ve thunk?) and opened a cabinet door and pulled out the remote. My mom said, “Boy, why didn’t you tell me where it was I’ve been looking everywhere for this remote!” Ricky replied, “Well you didn’t look in there did you?” and walked away. I guess he got tired of Breanna hogging the T.V. so he put it on what he wanted to watch and hid the remote, because God forbid anyone change the channel without a remote….